When I moved to Brisbane, one of my main goals was to break away from a state of non-being. I wanted to escape my mundane life style that had me going through the motions each day, living unconsciously. I wanted to become more aware of my physical body, my surroundings, and embrace the present moment. It was easy to do this when I first arrived in Australia. I was in a new place, doing something so different from all of my friends I’d left behind in Boston. I had endless amounts of time to explore, both physically and mentally. But lately, I’ve found myself falling back into that unconscious state, and I ask myself, why?

I think it’s a combination of many things. Frustrations with my job – I’ve failed at almost nothing in my life, and the way things ended with my last host family still make me anxious – I am angry at the parents who don’t believe in second chances, and I miss Tea and Christian terribly. Frustrations with my friends – unwanted drama and constant goodbyes to friends leaving for overseas. I know it sounds silly as I moved across the world practically on a whim, but I’ve always had a tough time dealing with change, and so many adjustments all at once have left me overwhelmed and exhausted. I’ve found myself working longer hours and partying a little harder in my free time, moving forward almost robotically, ticking off the weeks as they fly by.

I don’t want to live like that. The other day I sat down with Kelsey and started making a game plan for our journey home from Australia. We’ll fly out of Brisbane mid-June, make our way through Southeast Asia – Borneo, Malaysia, Thailand, Cambodia, and Vietnam – and then I’ll hopefully have a little time and money left over to explore the west coast – San Francisco, Portland, and Seattle – before heading back to Boston and New York in early September. This is something we’ve talked about for ages, something far out in the distant future. But as I sat and looked at my calendar, I realized I will be leaving Australia in just about three months. That’s nothing in the grand scheme of things.

I don’t want to waste those next three months. I don’t want to feel as if I’m counting down the days until my next adventure, because I’m still living this one. I don’t want to waste it waiting for something else, or waste it worrying about what will come next. I want to live in the now. I want to concentrate on being here because who knows when I’ll be back. I’m craving that inspiration that will make me fall back in love with my life in this moment.