It's rugby season!

Broncos v. Cowboys

Kels, Casey, me and Nate psyched for the Broncos' win

Ever since I arrived in Australia, my people at home have been asking me, “Liz, are you ever coming back?” I love it here, but the answer is yes. I am coming back. Last night I officially booked my flight out of Australia, so to all my friends and family at home – let out that sigh of relief – I’m not staying forever.

But I’m not coming back yet. I have months of travel ahead of me. I’m on the other side of the world, so why not see a little more of it before coming back to the States? I’ve been planning a trip through Southeast Asia with Kelsey, taking the long way home, and last night we booked the first leg of our trip. We will be flying to Borneo to stay with locals and hang out with some orangutans for a few days before heading over to Malaysia. From there we will train up through Thailand, visit the Thai islands, train through Cambodia and Vietnam, and spend our last few days in Singapore before heading back to the USA. Although the next legs of our journey are not official, I am planning on taking an even longer detour through the West Coast – visiting San Francisco, Portland, and Seattle before making way back to Boston, New York, and New Jersey. And probably not stopping there, but continuing down the East Coast. It may sound like a lot, but I believe I have the time and the money and the motivation to make it happen.

I remember meeting a guy from Israel on Christmas day who had been traveling for years. When I asked him where next, he replied, “Well, I think I’ll go home, say ‘hi’ to a few people, and then head off again!” And that’s exactly what I want to do. I’m coming back “home,” but I don’t plan to stay there forever. I don’t even plan to stay for very long. I want to say “hi” to ya’ll, but then I hope to head off again for another adventure. It’s deep-rooted in me now, and I can’t do anything about it.

But even with all the excitement, I must say I am filled with mixed emotions at the moment. I have been so looking forward to what’s ahead, but the moment I got that confirmation email for my flights to Sandakan and Kuala Lumpur, a knot grew in my stomach. Before I knew it, tears were literally pouring down my face and I started to panic. It’s not that I think I’ll go home and get stuck. I have no doubt that I will follow through with all my plans to travel because that wanderlust isn’t going away. I started to panic because I can’t believe how much I love it here. And I can’t believe I’m leaving a place that has made me happier than I’ve ever been.

I have this image of myself arriving in Boston. South Station. I’m wearing the same clothes I’ve been wearing for three months, my backpack that’s almost the same size as I am, and my guitar over my shoulder. I imagine standing there, still, out of place in a familiar place, people moving around me in a blur. And every time I imagine it, I can already feel the weight that’s going to bear down on me. I don’t think I’ll be able to breathe. It sounds really sad, but I can’t imagine being happy there. I can’t imagine feeling at home like I once did.

I think I’ve been really confused lately. I’ve been frustrated – which I’ve expressed in this blog – but the more I think about it, the more I see that frustration is coming from my lack of writing. My lack of inspiration. But I have begun to realize that to write, I’ve always needed to be on an extreme high or an extreme low to let that emotion pour out of me. Right now, life is so…normal. I haven’t been writing because I don’t feel like a traveler. I feel like I’m at home, living my normal life. I feel as if I haven’t had much to write about that is “exciting” for you all, but life doesn’t have to be exciting every day to make you happy. I’m not lost. I’ve never felt more at home. I’m just happy.

I had such a classic Australia moment yesterday - 10am on Sunday morning, barefooted in the liquor store, eating a meat pie. Can't get any more Aussie than that! Wearing shoes to run errands is definitely going to be a big adjustment when I get back to the States...

When I moved to Brisbane, one of my main goals was to break away from a state of non-being. I wanted to escape my mundane life style that had me going through the motions each day, living unconsciously. I wanted to become more aware of my physical body, my surroundings, and embrace the present moment. It was easy to do this when I first arrived in Australia. I was in a new place, doing something so different from all of my friends I’d left behind in Boston. I had endless amounts of time to explore, both physically and mentally. But lately, I’ve found myself falling back into that unconscious state, and I ask myself, why?

I think it’s a combination of many things. Frustrations with my job – I’ve failed at almost nothing in my life, and the way things ended with my last host family still make me anxious – I am angry at the parents who don’t believe in second chances, and I miss Tea and Christian terribly. Frustrations with my friends – unwanted drama and constant goodbyes to friends leaving for overseas. I know it sounds silly as I moved across the world practically on a whim, but I’ve always had a tough time dealing with change, and so many adjustments all at once have left me overwhelmed and exhausted. I’ve found myself working longer hours and partying a little harder in my free time, moving forward almost robotically, ticking off the weeks as they fly by.

I don’t want to live like that. The other day I sat down with Kelsey and started making a game plan for our journey home from Australia. We’ll fly out of Brisbane mid-June, make our way through Southeast Asia – Borneo, Malaysia, Thailand, Cambodia, and Vietnam – and then I’ll hopefully have a little time and money left over to explore the west coast – San Francisco, Portland, and Seattle – before heading back to Boston and New York in early September. This is something we’ve talked about for ages, something far out in the distant future. But as I sat and looked at my calendar, I realized I will be leaving Australia in just about three months. That’s nothing in the grand scheme of things.

I don’t want to waste those next three months. I don’t want to feel as if I’m counting down the days until my next adventure, because I’m still living this one. I don’t want to waste it waiting for something else, or waste it worrying about what will come next. I want to live in the now. I want to concentrate on being here because who knows when I’ll be back. I’m craving that inspiration that will make me fall back in love with my life in this moment.